


Anya and Tara's 'Mystic Mamas Detective Agency'

by RevDorothyL



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Doctor Who (2005), Underworld (Movies)
Genre: Bad Poetry, F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 12:17:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevDorothyL/pseuds/RevDorothyL
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having become partners in business as well as in life after things went AU in Season 6, Anya and Tara turn their considerable talents to the task of helping supernaturally afflicted characters who've lost something or someone along the way.  A collection of crossover adventures in bad verse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Donna Noble and The Strange Case of the Missing Memories

**Author's Note:**

> In these bits of doggerel I’m shamelessly ripping off (with permission!) some of the characterization and plot developments in [MissMurchison](http://missmurchison.livejournal.com/)'s Tara/Anya stories on LJ, ['Resistance is Useless'](http://missmurchison.livejournal.com/146332.html) and ['Sitting on the Dock of eBay'](http://missmurchison.livejournal.com/330470.html), at the end of which Anya is intrigued by the money to be made in criminal investigations and bounty-hunting.
> 
> In this alternate BtVS universe of MissMurchison's creation, Anya and Tara had become a romantic couple shortly after the abortive wedding in season 6, and so these poems are set sometime in what would have been their AU season 7, perhaps.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya and Tara face their first case as supernatural detectives: the missing memories and strange symptoms of one Donna Noble. A BtVS/DW crossover in rhyme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in August 2008 as a birthday gift for [Keswindhover](http://archiveofourown.org/users/keswindhover/pseuds/keswindhover), who was understandably discontented by the disposition of Donna Noble's character at the end of **_Dr. Who_** season 4.

  


**_ANYA AND TARA'S MYSTIC MAMAS DETECTIVE AGENCY AND THE STRANGE CASE OF THE MISSING MEMORIES_ **

  


 

'Twas stormy, and the night was dark

in Sunnydale, CA,

When Anya and Tara began a lark,

seldom mentioned to this day.

 

 

The Magic Box was quiet and still

after a hard day’s capitalism,

while the money nestled safe in its till,

close to the proprietor’s loving bosom.

 

 

Suddenly through the shop’s doorway,

a trench-coated woman flounced.

Her hair was auburn and her eyes intense,

as, “I need a witch,” she announced.

 

 

“My name’s Donna Noble, temp extraordinaire,

And I don’t have time for your slacking.

Your internet ad led me here to your lair,

to get back the memories I’m lacking.”

 

 

Tara winced just a bit as Donna’s problem was named --

her own sore spot, even now –

but her manner was kind as she firmly declaimed,

“There’s no witch here, only—OW!”

 

 

“Sorry I pinched you,” Anya told Tara contritely,

“But Miss Noble is not here by chance.

Our detective business is new, so we can’t turn clients down lightly.

And besides, she paid in advance!

 

 

“Now, Donna, tell us what you know, how you first came to sense

all those times you forgot you’d forgotten.

Do you suspect a bad spell? Maybe by some witch too dense

to know what they’ve done to you is rotten?”

 

 

Over cookies and tea among the dried herbs and incense,

Donna told of her life ordinary,

How she’d always tuned out the ‘big picture’ events,

all the world-shakers, brilliant or scary.

 

 

But just lately, she’d found many months that were gone,

while the world had spun on, all unheeding.

“And there’s worse yet to come,” Donna added, looking wan,

“I could swear I hear a second heart beating!

 

 

“I suddenly know things I shouldn’t, all kinds of weird maths

and stories that have yet to be written.

At work, I’m Miz Fix-it, and at home I chart paths

for stars not visible from Britain!”

 

 

“We need to confer,” said Tara (‘the sane one,’

as Donna had thought all along),

“Your case is . . . unusual. A hard-to-explain one,

but I don’t think this will take us too long.”

 

 

In the back of the shop, the partners spoke in a hush,

quietly putting the pieces together.

When they’d agreed on a solution, they came back in a rush,

knowing Donna was at the end of her tether.

 

 

“It’s nothing to worry about,” said Tara, “We’ve seen this before –

Well, maybe not this _exactly_ , but nearly!

Your aura’s so dazzling, I should have guessed when you came in the door,

but I guess I wasn’t seeing you clearly.”

 

 

“You’re not human,” added Anya, “or you weren’t to start.

You’ve joined this existence as a gift.

That’s why your memories don’t match, and you’re growing a spare heart,

All symptoms of a recent reality shift.

 

 

“We’ve had several . . . friends who’ve run the same course --

or something quite like it, I assure you!

Whatever you were until lately – whether demon or green, mystical force –

You’re human now, and no one can cure you!”

 

 

“What Anya means,” Tara amended, “is that you’re here to do good

\-- I can tell that much just from your spirit.

Your older memories may be fake, so you’d blend in where you could

with humanity, but you shouldn’t fear it.

 

 

“The memories you make after this, they’re all up to you,

And don’t let anyone dare tell you otherwise!

You could save the world, Donna, by something brilliant you do.

So heed your gramps, and don’t worry, mother-wise.”

 

 

Tara’s words were so firm and her eyes seemed so knowing,

that inevitably Donna’s hope gained re-birth.

As she returned home the next day, Donna knew she was going

to enjoy her new life on this strange planet earth.

## The End


	2. Lucian and The Unlikely Case of the Mid-Lycan Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya and Tara's latest challenge for their 'Mystic Mamas Detective Agency' business involves helping a Lycan/Vampire hybrid find a new purpose for his existence. A BtVS/'Underworld' crossover in rhyme, with established Anya/Tara.
> 
> Warning: This poem contains slight spoilers for the end of the first 'Underworld' film, as well as numerous insults to rhyme scheme, meter, and anything remotely resembling literary taste.

****

_ANYA AND TARA'S 'MYSTIC MAMAS DETECTIVE AGENCY' AND THE UNLIKELY CASE OF THE MID-LYCAN CRISIS_

 

 

’Twas midday at the Magic Box,

and customers were few,

so Tara was contemplating turning the locks

and studying for an hour or two.

 

 

Then in the door a stranger came,

with an otherworldly air.

He wore leather well on his wiry frame

and had flowing ‘apostle’ hair.

 

 

His voice was cultured, with a hidden strength,

as he greeted Tara formally.

But his aura spoke of the tremendous length

he had gone to to act so normally.

 

 

Just then Anya came in from the back of the store,

greeting her partner with a kiss.

But when she saw their visitor, Anya roundly swore,

causing Tara to ask what was amiss?

 

 

“Amateurs!” sniffed Anya. “Something I can’t abide,

stealing work from my former profession.

For six hundred years, this scab Lucian freely plied

my old trade, even through the vengeance recession!”

 

 

“Your quarrel is moot,” said Lucian, _sans_ rancor,

“now that I’m getting out of the vengeance ‘biz’.

Since Viktor’s death, I’ve been a ship with no anchor,

wondering what my new _raison d’être_ is.”

 

 

“Is that what brings you to us?” Tara asked brightly,

before Anya could continue to vent.

“I sense that you did not journey here lightly

to the Hellmouth, no matter how cheap the rent!”

 

 

“I read a glowing review of your services online,"

Lucian said, "written by a woman called Noble.

It suggested that you two were the ones to divine

a new mission for an immortal hybrid who’s mobile.”

 

 

"Try being the Dread Pirate Roberts, for all that I care,"

suggested Anya, still holding a grudge.

But, "Of course, we'll help!" said Tara with a glare,

giving her partner an 'encouraging' nudge.

 

 

Three hours later, Lucian's tale had been told

(with occasional commercial breaks

for paying customers, whom Anya would scold

into buying her overstocked vampire stakes).

 

 

Having heard all the details of Lucian's past,

and studied his aura from every angle,

Tara pronounced herself ready at last

to find a path out of his vengeance-free tangle.

 

 

"You're a uniter, at heart," declared Tara, delighted,

"not a divider, in spite of your troubles.

In your future I see a great many troths plighted --

many singles converted to doubles!"

 

 

Lucian blinked in confusion, which gradually cleared,

as Anya made her contribution,

in the form of an excellent business plan, geared

for a matchmaking business solution.

 

 

"There are many lonely people, both human and non-,"

explained Anya and Tara in tandem,

"And you have a gift for helping disparate couples move on

and find love -- which is clearly not random!"

 

 

Lucian left the Magic Box with his new business plan sorted,

seeing the world from a hopeful new slant.

"And if the matchmaking fails, or he gets fed up," Anya snorted,

"he can always give D'Hoffryn a chant!"

 

 

## The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reading between the lines, my personal interpretation of the 'Underworld' canon -- which consists only of the first and third movies, in my private universe (the second and fourth films are strictly AU!) -- has Lucian (having already injected himself with Michael Corvin’s blood on-screen) dosing himself with the vampire elder Amelia's blood off-screen and therefore himself belatedly becoming a hybrid and just barely surviving multiple silver-filled bullet holes. 
> 
> I figure that Lucian took the opportunity to bow out, realizing that with Selene and Michael giving his own love story a happier ending, and the death of Viktor, he no longer felt any need to continue this warfare or the headaches of being in charge of the entire Lycan resistance. Though Lucian might've hesitated to seek advice from 'mere' humans, he'd definitely be in need of guidance, at some point (like Inigo Montoya, he's been in the 'revenge business' for practically his entire adult life -- in this case, more than 600 years or so -- and there's no Dread Pirate Roberts job opening waiting for him to slip into). If ever there was someone in urgent need of Anya and Tara's particular brand of vocational counseling, it would surely be Lucian!


End file.
